Staying for the Kids

“I am staying for the kids.” How many times have we heard someone say that? After all, as parents we want to protect our children, we want to shield them from the pain of the world. But the truth is, if you’re living in a destructive marriage where you’re emotionally alone, or being cheated on, or having to deal with addiction, or if you’re “lucky” enough to experience the trifecta of all three, your children are being exposed to pain. It may not be discussed, but children see it, they feel it and they are learning how to be treated and how to treat others while you’re “staying for them”.

We are often shocked by how quickly history repeats itself in families. The patterns of relationships are passed on so quietly but so thoroughly, and no one sees it happening. When we leave these destructive marriages, we have the chance to break the pattern. I have had many the conversation where a parent has asked me, “what am I teaching my child if I leave?” I will tell you what you’ll teach them. You will teach them to have courage. You will teach them to have self-respect. You will teach them that life changes people and when it does, they have the choice to go. You will teach them that there is a line that other people cannot cross with them. And you will teach them that your mother’s fate, or your grandmother’s fate does not have to be theirs.

My daughter once said to me, “Mom, I am so glad you got divorced”. I asked why and she said, it was because otherwise, she would never have gotten to know me. She said this, because you see, while I was struggling to stay for the children, she saw a woman diminished, disregarded and disrespected. Who I came to be, with much effort and fortitude after my divorce, was a joyous, brave, fulfilled, and perfectly whole individual. The person I had been before the dark years of my marriage.

Living with a person who cheats, or drinks, or hits or is verbally cruel diminishes you as a person. There’s a big part of them that is so unhappy with themselves that they will, they need, to take everything from you to survive. They need all your strength to stay afloat. But that leaves you with next to nothing. Not enough to be the kind of parent you want to be. Not enough to be the human you aspire to be.

My intention when I stayed for the children, was whole heartedly for the children. But deep down inside it was based in fear. When I left for the children, I really did leave for the children. Deep down inside it was based in courage. Once I left, I had so much energy and goodness to give them. I was able to devote my whole being to them because I was no longer sacrificing myself to keep someone else afloat. So when you think about staying for the children, think about leaving for them. Think about what you could do for them if you stopped staying for them. -J.C. June 2020