The Decision to Divorce

I remember meeting with my friend at the corner McDonald’s. I told her everything that was going on in my marriage. I told her I wasn’t sure I could continue. She gave me the name of an attorney, who I subsequently met with. He spent an hour telling me how his family was an intact one. I walked out of the office feeling vulnerable and ashamed.  He had bragged so much about having an intact family and here I was considering pulling my own intact family apart.

The years passed and I stayed. I feared so many things: Would I lose my children half of the time? Would he remarry and would I be forced to co-parent with a total stranger? What about health insurance?  How could I do this to my parents who were still together after 50 years? What would people say?

And then came the day. After years of living with an addict who was beginning to spiral out of control, I could not take it anymore. I could no longer stand the lies, the secret life, the verbal abuse, some days subtle, some days not so much. Most of us have a line that if crossed brings out the fight in us. For me, that line had been crossed.  I called an attorney who listened with compassion – this one in fact. I still felt vulnerable but there was a sense of safety. And I proceeded to do the very hardest things I have ever done in my life because I no longer wanted what the future had in store for me. 

I filed for divorce. And then I raised my children. I worked and I read self-help books, one after another. I took my children on adventures. I created new memories. I started a new life for me and for them.  I saw a therapist. A lot. I put myself back together one piece at a time. It was hard. I had lost my dream of an intact family, of growing old with my college sweetheart. Of being able to say we made it. But what I gained was bigger. I regained a sense of myself. I remembered who I once was and what my potential was. I had the energy to dream and accomplish again. My children have said to me they are grateful for the divorce because they’re not sure they would have ever known the real me if I had not. I have been able to give my children stability, predictability, a strong foundation to jump off of and a safe place to call home.  I could never have done these things if I had stayed. For myself, I no longer have to lie to myself or others about what’s happening at home. I live openly and honestly. Life takes on a new meaning when you live like that.

I joke now that I am the divorce whisperer. People come to me all the time when they’re thinking of about getting a divorce. Most for a very good reason. A lot never go through with it. I respect where they are in their journey because I remember being there. Some are embarrassed to stay in the circumstances that they’re in but I always say, you will know when it’s time. You’ll know when the line has been crossed and when you no longer want what the future had in store for you. -J.C. 2019